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We are proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn
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March 3rd, 2012 at 1:42pm]
Ask and you shall receive
I ain't hidin' shit
Who do you want to believe
No deception this mind is just looking for connection
You don't have direction so you take a stab at me
It's a poorly worded insult, friend
May I call you friend?
I know why I defended my secrets
To keep it from the likes of you
So I can have some normalcy
No need to always be living in public
I've got bigger fish to fry
Then a bunch of nosy children playing games of whisper down the lane
If you're looking for an answer, I've got them
It's need to know. If you're not asking, I've got no need to speak
I'd rather let the words drip from my lips
then have every tom, dick, and harry throwing their pennies of sense around
Trust takes time to build and in one moment can be blown away
I've spotted the right ears to take care of me
And I've filled them with the love that I've felt
This isn't a buffet
This is my life
I'd rather store the leftovers in the fridge for friends
So together we can split the meal and remember what it means to feel
Something more than someone elses' business
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January 20th, 2012 at 12:39pm]
Sometimes I just get so mad.

Some woman bitches me out in front of people.. i wont fihgt back.

I forget my stuff. Because some random bitch is there... that i dont want in my business. Fuck
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December 20th, 2011 at 4:59pm]
Hey Kid!
Is that what you consider a good time?
Drinking down more poison than you can stomach
And making messes of these first impressions you've made
Why don't you just slam your head into the wall
because you've got a lot to learn
Realize there's a limit for a reason
And sometimes rules aren't made to be broken
So puke out your soul because I'm not here to guide you
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November 17th, 2011 at 11:45am]
The life within
Never seen nor heard
A sensation drowned out by the bellows of his voice
They wash over her body, touch her skin and burrow
Deeply into the soul

It's luminescence dims
The warmth is drained.
Without that light, her path enters darkness
Without that heat, she shivers
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August 10th, 2011 at 8:34am]
In this absence, an eruption
Each flower in the garden wilts to this loss
They do not replenish their roots with water
Or soak in the sun
They only lose their petals, one by one

In this silence, we can't hear ourselves think
A never ending inner monologue
Our minds scream out in terror and despair
What once would have broken the voices
It's no longer there

This boy, this man, this soul
A part of the machine
The piece that kept us going forward
Without you, where have we been left
Out in a field

This beauty is growing
But even happiness has started to hurt
Sweet boy, please write home
Wherever that may be

We know that home is where the heart is
But we can't seem to find where ours has gone
Our Hearts are lost, Because Home is you

Send us word that you are alright.
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July 22nd, 2011 at 11:06am]
you've left me wondering where do souls go when our bodies expire
i always thought i knew the way the world worked
but now that you've left us so suddenly
i can't seem to get a grip on what life really is
there were no signs, not a moment or a hint
and the reason behind "why" is what makes the least sense
do we all have a purpose?
it just doesn't seem fair
were you a lesson
or was it karma
or is there a meaning here

everyday i wake up in the same mindset since you've left
it used to be the drone of what to do with my life
when do i grow up
what to do next
but now it's something else
it's the question of what do i do with yours
why and how and for what reason
how can such a wonderful person be taken from this earth
there seem to be no answers
i know we can't live forever
but now seems like too soon
i want to honor you
make all this hurt go away
from every person you've touched
because right now you're okay
i can't find it in me
to even pick up these pieces
words do not come close to a reason

i've been feeling like a fish out of water
a cat in a bag
why'd you have to go
you were such a beautiful soul
and if there are souls where do they go?
i hope it's some place full of wonder and awe
and when we catch up you'll make fun of us all
with that little hint of mischief in your eye

with you gone now, i'm racing to a finish line
i just need to know why
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Routine Routine [Monday
July 11th, 2011 at 11:12am]
i often wake up hungry, craving nourishment. My day is regularly filled with morsels of regret. By the time night arrives, i've overdone it. the lost love, trading friends for pleasure. i can never tell which is worse, my decisions or myself.

This particular morning my mind is stagnant, a step up from the usual fogged sensation. I stare at the clock on the oven adjacent from my bedroom door with heavy eyes. I'd need a car jack to keep these lids open. My stomach swells from a night of drinking with no intention or direction. I remain lost in this abyss. And crash back towards the pillow. it's always an uphill battle to make it out of bed. When i finally do get my bearings, I take my seat in front of a glowing screen and click through lives I'd rather be living. This could go on for days. Until the waves take me under.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste and downright dangerous when there's nothing for it to focus on. Without a means to correct itself, the mind will simply implode from its own weight. No one realizes how heavy fear is, but I would be willing to guess that a simple stroll down the street would prove difficult, let alone a hike through the mountains. And I'm quite sure it couldn't be a carry-on bag at the airport. You'd have to check it at the gate.

I'll continue this routine of clicking and dragging until something inside drives me to a different task. But each task is really more useless than the last. Nothing impressive. A book, but no book will bring true knowledge. A meal, but it never will nourish my soul. A run on the treadmill, but it seems more like a hamster wheel in this shabby apartment. In here the walls are too white, while everything inside of them is covered with filth. The couch full of cat hair, the sink full of dishes, the tub full of gunk. I'll sometimes take a crack at cleaning up, but why should I? It will only become dirty tomorrow. No, none of this will save the world.

I'm often feeling like a pariah. My views too radical for normal conversation. My words often strike people in their deepest sacks of fear. I am an outcast. This may have been my own choice, a spiritual need to be alone. I love and hate being alone. I want to be inside of a cave, awaiting the day to dwindle away. But I also want constant interaction, no matter how small. I crave acceptance, not by everyone. Just by one small group to call my own. One circle that feels like love. I never get too close to that because my mouth will get me into trouble. It's better I float on the outside.

There is something buried inside that is waiting for an escape. This stagnant and sedentary mindset is suffocating. I need just a glimmer of hope and breakthrough of light and I can make it out. I've taken in this lesson and I'll use it for something better.

I check the glowing screen one last time, to see if there is any hope left. Darkness has come and with it my eyes become heavy again. I crawl back into bed and place my head on my pillow. My own little cloud and just before I drift off to sleep, I check the clock on the oven one last time. 1:45. That means I'll be up sometime around 11 or 12 tomorrow. That's pretty late, but it doesn't really matter, I've got nothing to do. Maybe I'll take a stroll around 1? Or go to the city?

No. I'll probably just do this all over again.
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April 29th, 2011 at 10:36am]
I'm losing you
And it's because I've become a ghost
A shell of my former self
I can't even remember a time where I felt alright
Fighting against demons that neither of us can see
I know it's futile to try
But can't you just stand by my side
And hold my hand and say it'll all be okay
Even if it doesn't seem like it sinks into my skin
It becomes a latent fighter
That when awoken, tears all this pain away
Don't say I'm hopeless or to just change my ways
It's been 2 decades of this
And I always feel like shit
I need you to be my soldier
And if you can't battle
This isn't a draft
You can simply walk away
I can drown myself
But if you go under with me
I would blame myself
Because in the end I can be alone in this
But I don't need it to take us
This beast is my own burden
And I see you preparing to leave us in the forest
Sometimes leaving me alone
is the best thing you could do for me
I'll find strength in myself
I'll stab this in the chest
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April 26th, 2011 at 7:04pm]
in despair i compare this prayer to
a moment so rare that once aware of it
if i could have another chance, to swear to protect
every hair on your fair little head
but instead scared
and rather unfair to you
i the betrayer
ask where was my mind
when i would declare to devour your little heart and soul
did i not care or did it overbear my own body?
for this i ask you forgiveness
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The drop [Tuesday
April 12th, 2011 at 2:22pm]
Feel the drop
Watch everything fall
Steal the spot
Of another lover
It may not be
So I run away
Into a sea of storms
On a raft of glass bottles
Floating without hope
I grope the rope
That will pull it towards shore
Place my feet on the land
Dig my toes in the sand
And I'll build a blazing inferno to keep me warm
The plan is once these storms pass
I'll take a bottle off my raft
Place a note inside and tell you
What I've been afraid to say for years
That I want you and you need me
And imagining you with anyone else is insanity

Slip the note inside it's glass casket
Cork the bottle's top
Take it in my hand
Fling it from the land
And see the cascade of tiny waves
As it's tossed into the sea
And if it ever finds you
Maybe you can come find me
But if not
Break the bottle on the place we've kissed
You can't cry over a memory that is yet to exist
This distance is the only way to keep me from breaking
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