Journal

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 18:50:08 GMT

new cell phone, gps, socks, luggage.

good christmas.

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 01:39:52 GMT

Baby, you're all i need.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:07:02 GMT

crazy boyfriends. controlling girlfriends. de-evolution.
recession. depression. regression.
insanity. infidelity.
conscious. confidence. gossip.
forties. fatties. filth.
misplaced anger. hate of people.
spiraling into an abyss.
my life. your life.
all forgotten.
love conquered.
caught.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 16:01:44 GMT

you're too difficult to be with, but i stay anyway
overall it just makes my heart hurt rather then make it happy
i wish i could just walk away

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 16:18:25 GMT

love is beautiful. hold onto it no matter what the cost.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:01:55 GMT

pizza for breakfast makes it a good start to a great day.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 15:30:20 GMT

looking into your eyes i see all the possibilities of what we can become
we can save each other
from this impending doom that will befall us all
you told me "i won't run away with you unless it's to stand by your side for the revolution"
i can wait for it
i won't give up hope on a brighter future
i won't give up hope on a brighter future by your side

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:32:37 GMT

Am I the only person in the world who doesn't want to hang out with her parents?

My mom called and asked to come up and visit on the first day. But I told her no. I know that probably sounds mean. But I said my "goodbyes" when I left for school and I was pretty excited to for once not have to have my parents over my shoulder commenting on everything I do and how I unpack my things and talking to my roommates and making life awkward. And then I get angry and then we fight and then things look worse.

I for once have my own car and can do things without them. And yeah sometimes i need money, but my mom likes to make that a reason for having to always be around and then she calls and I'm always busy and not really in the mood to ever talk. Because my opinion is when I'm up North, I'm up North and all things back home will remain there.

When I told her that I didn't want her, she just made me feel guilty. I'm sorry, but they never make an attempt to do anything with me. Except harass me about things that are not really their business. They think they have the right to pry into my life and for once things are not open for them to know. And when I tell them that they again make me feel bad. It's unfair. All I want to do is be independent, not quite financially, but emotionally, mentally, etc, etc.

I know they love me. And I love the too. But I just really can't stand them because hanging out with them I don't feel good. I just feel like I'm forcing it.

I guess I'm just a bad daughter.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 15:35:37 GMT

I'M COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:42:07 GMT

Speak up, I can't hear what you're spitting
You sound like you're talking into a scarf
This mumble only makes things worse
I know this love is forbidden, but could you listen up
Silence yourself and hear my heart beat
It's rhythm matches that of your own
Do you think this means anything being that you're fully grown
And I'm finding myself calling your heart "home"
This youngin' I am, waiting for you to return the favor so I am not so alone

I beat for you. This beat is for you.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:30:16 GMT

Would you like to see photographs of when I was older?
Because they're yet to develop
Just like this small frame of mine
When they're done I'll frame them
Or maybe I'll just send one as a Christmas card
I'll make sure to send it a month before
So you'll have plenty of time to hang it on the refrigerator door
I can reside with family photos that I'll never be a part of.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 22:36:03 GMT

skin and bones and an empty house
the breeze blows through
swings doors open
these are ghosts spying on our one act play
banished from you
i lay below hearing the creaking boards
awaiting for you to come find me
i feel your footsteps, my mind will not rest
my breathing slows and my heart races
they are on top of me
breaking me down
i wait
nothing makes sense without you next to me
i want the words flow out and collide in front of you for to you to understand
all i've ever wanted was this
protection, warmth, understanding
connected but these surroundings go against it
you are not mine, but i am forever yours
for as long as you'll let me stay
i'll obey and remain this obedient dog
i trust you no farther than i can throw you
but i can't shake you from my bones
you reside inside me as my stomach turns
i look for a future
but i know i can't look much further than tomorrow
all we have is now

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 19:20:25 GMT

I haven't been happier or more nervous in all of my life.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 01:14:18 GMT

It's funny to know that after all this time of thinking I was being crazy and in fact I was saner than ever. I still don't know what to do now though. It seems to good to be true. But there's always obstacles to overcome.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:17:42 GMT

what now?

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:34:56 GMT

Two or three doors get slammed in your face,
you're bound to find one that you can use a lock pick
...wiggle it open.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:29:34 GMT

I would love to sleep with Eugene Hutz of Gogol Bordello

Fri, 22 May 2009 03:04:58 GMT

i didn't even want it. i just did it because i could. beat, but true.

this place isn't home. i wish i could take what i needed and just bring it with me to my next destination.

my phone won't hold a charge. it's pretty lame.

all i want is in north jersey and i'm counting down the days until i can go live there.

i have a DVX and I want to use it.

Tue, 19 May 2009 16:17:03 GMT

I'm home
I smoked pot in the woods
Went to Palace Diner
Watched a movie and smoked in a my room
and my brother threatened to slit my throat in less than a day of me being back

How i love this place.

Sat, 09 May 2009 00:15:36 GMT

So here I am as the school year winds down yet again here at MSU, but this time things are different. And I've been having a hard time coping with my most recent family problems. But I think I'm learning to accept that everything will always change.. nothing is forever.

All of my friends, my talented mentors, my film family, my life here at montclair state, my motivation, my teachers and hardworking artists are graduating. That means next year, when I come back to this place, they won't be here. And I know I will see them, but there's also a chance I won't and that things won't ever be the same or even friendly. We might just become distant strangers. I hope our bonds are stronger than that though.

And on top of losing them, Tony is also leaving for a year.. which hurts my heart like you wouldn't believe. He's been like a father to me since my first semester here. I don't know how I'm going to get by without him.. because with him gone that means i won't see Chloe or Basil or talk with Katya or see the cat .. nothing.

So I've wound up making the decision to miss Camp Jam just so I can cherish these last few days with my family here. It's like I'm growing up, having to pick between what I've always done and what I should do.

This whole year has driven me to the edge. I've seen it and I've almost dove off for the sake of being able to hit bottom because when you're at the bottom the only place to go is up. I've cut ties with people that I considered to be my friends forever because I knew deep down it was time to let go. I've quit putting myself in situations I don't want to be in for the sake of others. I've quit trying to please everyone around me who thinks I'm doing something wrong or something right or should do something now or later because I'm working at my own pace and doing what makes me most content.

I know what needs to happen when it needs to happen now. I can sense when the time is right and I can sense when I'm forcing things. This summer will be big. Big in the way that only I can make it. I plan on living it up, for real, not the bullshit I spew every time. No more sitting around. No more waiting for adventure. I'm going to go find it.

already on the list for me is. Bronx Zoo, Beach, Film Party, Graduation, BBQ, Baltimore for man man, gogol bordello and aqarium.. possibly bonnaroo, possibly canada, possibly filming.. no definitely filming, possibly living up here for 3 weeks to do god knows what.

It's all about time. I've got the money and I've got the motivation. I'm going to do it.

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 02:36:52 GMT

i want to drop out for a semester.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:36:53 GMT

i'm so angry at everything right now.
i'm pretty sure that whoever talks to me is going to find out what i really feel about them.

after seeing my dad and thinking about his condition all i am is angry. angry at every fucking thing.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:33:16 GMT

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090320/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_budget

yes. and it begins.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:50:31 GMT

i find it funny that only a handful of people know about what i did for this break, but i guess everyone is in for a surprise when i get back. i like this secret.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 01:30:07 GMT

life changes and you can't watch it and think about all the missed opportunities because if you do you're going to lose many more chances. you have to just live each moment.